I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
