i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Randomize
