shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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