Define "chronic" masturbator.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I enjoy the company of your penis
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
