I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
