Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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