The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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