Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Found the puke drawer
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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