First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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