Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize