her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
