Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
