i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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