Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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