Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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