He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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