I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
