Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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