this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
what day is it and did you see me today?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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