I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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