my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
