Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize