i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
