she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
