DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
