Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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