Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
