in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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