he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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