I just pynch a tree in the face
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
