I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Couch. On fire.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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