I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
