Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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