I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
