here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
