New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize