i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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