i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
