I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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