More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
