he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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