I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
