Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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