My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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