I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
