I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
