I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
