I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
