I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we're making bets on your personal life
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
