My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
