I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
