dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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