sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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