there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
