I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
