I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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