i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I want to fling myself into the sun
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
