I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
